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[ website | Fear is How I Fall ]
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[10 Jan 2007|08:28pm]
Alrighty, just an update on life. I'm trying to make myself like math again, cause it's pretty useful. School is just.. going along. I find myself thinking beyond it more and more. Usually my thoughts go towards the whole deal about adult life. Maybe it's because I haven't found something I enjoy doing, but yeah, growing up doesn't sound so fun anymore. The ability to party aside, of course. Hopefully I'll work it out. That's all I can do.

[09 Nov 2006|01:21am]
well, still haven't decided on a major yet. Truth be told, though, the ones that I think are more worth studying in college (by that, I mean harder to learn independently) are the painful ones, like mathematics and computer science. Oy.

gee.. what am I going to do with my life?
3 musings| Contemplation

[17 Aug 2006|11:16pm]
been a while.. Lena gave me an idea, thanks. I need to get my writing skills up to par, so it seemed like a good idea to blog about my summer once it's all said and done. Whatever gaps in memory can be filled in with poetic license - how much does the typical person know about the SAT anyway? :)

on self-improvement
on family
on being away from everything
on SAT (divide into subsections maybe)
on college admissions (alright, getting pretty trite, maybe I'll ditch this one)
on intellectual awakening (booring! boo)
on indians
on entrepreneurs
on entrepreneurship
on fast food
on perfectionism
on managing people
on marketing
on pretending to sound smart
on teaching

more as I think of em
3 musings| Contemplation

[04 Jul 2006|06:05pm]
"[Kafka] is not talking about the pursuit of happiness. He's not even talking, as one might easily and incorrectly conclude, about lying in wait for happiness. He's talking about making oneself genuinely available to it. He is talking about opening one's senses to the little delights - the sunsets, the lilac-scented breezes, the hilarious bartender jokes, the quick flash of anonymous smiles, the inside straights, the large purring cats, the click of stiletto heels, the popping of bubble-wrap, the liquid song of the meadowlark, the shrug of a New York cop - the granular texture of unsolicited joy.

There have been many hard times in my life - including the present - when I took refuge in reduced focus, comforting myself with the glorious filigree of immediate existence. Even a man facing a firing squad can appreciate the dawn that also arrays itself before him.

Finally, and always, there is love. By this, I don't mean that economic bargain that often passes for love these days. I don't mean that I will love you if you get good grades, or that I will love you if you'll sleep with me, or that I will love you ifŠanything. I mean what I mean when I say, "I love you." Period. Without expectation, condition, term limit, codicil, or obligation. To say that - and to mean it in that way - makes me happy.

What makes me happiest of all is when someone says "I love you" to me - meaning it as unconditionally as I intend to mean it - and I simply accept it. Learning to accept unconditional love has been the most demanding part of my education. It requires me to love myself as much as I am loved, which is not easy, since I like to pretend that my loathsome short-comings are invisible to all but me."

bit of an update [29 Jun 2006|01:36pm]
Somehow I got through the last quarter alive, lol. Grades were stinky, but good enough to get by.

Went camping with Kowsigan, Serena, Wesley, Evelina, Alan, and Amrit. I'm probably the last to announce it lol. Went to Big Sur, then Monterey, then San Francisco. I finally learned how to build a fire with "difficult" (damp or hard to burn) wood. At the campsite, Alan and I shared this ghetto tent that he forgot the poles for lol.. we had to borrow poles that were too long, and then just fold and bend them to fit. It worked though.

I'm staying in Northern California for most of the summer, it looks like. Got a summer job with that start-up company I've been working for. Pretty good pay (I can actually be a chauvinist now, and pay for somebody's dinner) :) The job is still mainly to develop an SAT prep program for the Critical Reading and the Writing sections, using the company's communications software. Bonus.. get to work on the marketing, the product image, and whatever else comes up lol. I'll try to come down on the weekends as often as I can, though that's probably going to be impossible until at least early August. Shucks.
5 musings| Contemplation

my first paycheck [01 May 2006|02:04am]
Two thousand.. not bad at all.
2 musings| Contemplation

[13 Apr 2006|05:07pm]
wow.. Chinese techno is great.

Hahah.. these first two weeks have been interesting. 15 units worth of courses, and I've gone to those lectures exactly zero times combined. But as for the other classes.. man those girls from Shakespeare seminar are OMGHAWT

Screw getting a Stanford guy for Christine, I'm gonna go and... *takes out his pitiful game and looks at it* uh, never mind lol
1 musing| Contemplation

[11 Apr 2006|06:32pm]
man, a lot of paper writing. Turning my old 8 page paper into a 20+ pager.. whoo.

I'm gonna get paid by around the end of the month. Haha coolness yo.

It's weird, all this stuff is making me freakishly productive compared to high school. I suppose that in a year, I won't even care about the joys of slacking anymore :(
2 musings| Contemplation

[31 Mar 2006|05:03pm]
HAHAHA I got into a "Shakespeare and Performance" seminar at school.. it's Drama slash, get this.. Gender Studies! The Bard and misogyny! I have a doozy of a quarter coming up.

[24 Mar 2006|01:33am]
man, I am a little shocked at the amount of giddiness I felt when my professor told me the deadline wasn't coming up yet. It's like.. YES, I have time to go do spring break.. and then go back to writing the PAPER!!1! Yes yes, it's international law, but whoo if it isn't fun!

/nihilist side: there are only so many areas left in which you aren't already jaded.
/rest of me: stfu

[16 Mar 2006|10:27pm]
Win a trip with Nick Kristof:


"Now I should say upfront that our lawyers are pretty boring. They’ve nixed the idea of us all hiking through Afghan minefields, riding a camel through Darfur, or sneaking illegally into Zimbabwe. So no war zones. And no purchases of Cambodian sex slaves this time."

1 musing| Contemplation

[06 Mar 2006|11:51pm]
I need new clothes, it seems like. Budget.. 500 bucks or so? Would anyone with a fashion sense want to go shopping with me over spring break?
8 musings| Contemplation

[28 Feb 2006|04:38pm]
Interesting productivity-oriented stuff I've been reading. I know it's meant for corporate drones, but why not have an early start?

The levels of consciousness in life -

a listCollapse )

I think my place in these levels is a little muddled by my indeterminate place in society. Applies to all of us young 'uns. I'm willing to improve the self, but unsure of where to best apply talents learned in a fulfilling manner.
2 musings| Contemplation

[21 Feb 2006|01:26am]
So yeah, I signed the contract. The next month is either gonna turn out really well, or really shitty lol. Papers, midterms, plus WORK now! W00t!

I think my relationship with Stanford has settled into equilibrium. Doesn't mean I'm entirely satisfied though. I really hope Econ works out, cause if it doesn't I'm kinda screwed :X
3 musings| Contemplation

Kowsigan? [20 Feb 2006|09:38pm]

[15 Feb 2006|02:59pm]
bahaha.. the Indians called again! They're caving, I can feel it!

[08 Feb 2006|03:51am]
Woo0w, I just wrote an 11-page paper complete with footnotes in 2 days. I must look like shit right now, the crusty kind.

so the dorm did something [31 Jan 2006|10:43pm]
it involved asking very penetrating questions to a group of us (e.g. "have you ever participated in a homophobic action). Those of us who thought the statement applied would step over a blue line taped on the ground.

A few things I haven't been thinking much about:

I haven't cried in years.
The majority were insecure about their place in the community and the university, including me.
I can honestly say I have not made any truly deep, meaningful friendships here.

Something that was not asked, that occurred to me afterwards:

The traditional, white-collar definition of success is not my desire in life. Have I been thinking this for a while? Yeah, but going to job fairs and stuff (I got a frisbee) serves as a constant, unrelenting reminder of my discontent. Looking for a successful corporate lifestyle would be a compromise in favor of security, in favor of giving my kids security. I fear straying from the path. I already know how guilty that would make me.
3 musings| Contemplation

[24 Jan 2006|06:50pm]
Had a hairy moment negotiating with the Indians.. they have no idea how much work their own project is going to take. We'll see what happens.

On another note, Christine, I have been enjoying life too :) The details of last weekend are quite hazy though, so I can't really recount it for ya.
2 musings| Contemplation

[22 Jan 2006|08:36pm]
3 choices to think about:

1. Slowly discover interests and cobble them into some sort of academic program, and hope for the best in life
2. Pick something immediately, and play the cynic in doing and attaining precisely what is required for wealth and fame (or whatever I get my jollies from)
3. Eschew all this, and become a stoner.

Which one?
4 musings| Contemplation

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